For those of you who know me, you know that I like order. And planning. I like to know what the expectations are and how to get where I’m going. I like to be prepared for any and all contigencies that may arise. I like it when I feel confident. My organizational skills are off the charts. In a lot of contexts this is great, right!? In work? Check! In school? Check! In all that administrative/ministry/behind-the-scenes-stuff? Check! In my faith as a follower of Christ!? Um.. well… not necessarily.
The Lord has been teaching me a lot in recent months about clarity. I’ve been looking back over the course of my life and my journey with the Lord and have realized that very often my prayers have included a request for clarity…whether for myself, or as I have prayed for and with others. I have literally used that word, “Lord, please give clarity regarding…. “. It seems like a reasonable request, right? Wise, even. After all, if we have clarity we can plan, and organize, and “be prepared for any and all contingencies”. We have a decision to make, or something has happened, and we want to know what to do or how it will turn out. Sometimes clarity comes in our situations, I love it when that happens. But oftentimes it doesn’t. Perhaps that’s even the case more often than not. We’re unsure what the next moment will bring. We’re left wondering if we’ve made a right choice. Or maybe a decision we made previously doesn’t turn out well and then we’re angry because the Lord could have prevented it. He could have shown us what would happen and then we would have (presumably) made a different choice.
Of course, we should seek the Lord’s direction, and absolutely we need to be grounded in the truth of His word and engaged in loving community with other Christ-followers. But, when we place our faith in our own ability to see and understand clearly (a form of idolatry, btw), we’re needlessly setting ourselves up for fear and confusion during those times and situations when we can’t see and when we don’t know. I had thought, in my requests for clarity over the years, that I was demonstrating my faith in the Lord. In some ways I still think I was… but in the past few years He’s been pressing me to go deeper. To trust Him more. To not suddenly worry when the path becomes obsure. To place my faith in Him. To believe in the goodness of His character, and not in my own ability to think or see clearly.
I no longer ask the Lord to give me clarity. Jesus can provide it if He wills, but what I seek now is His presence. I don’t ask Him to erase my doubts, I ask for deeper faith in the midst of my doubts, and a more abiding, patient trust…
I think one of the reasons I find my calling and role as a worship leader so compelling is because I am personally moved and ministered to by the Lord through music and the arts. I always have been. I listen to tons of music and have many favorites. Hillsong Worship released a song last year titled New Wine, with a lyric line that says: “so I yield to You and to Your careful hand, when I trust You I don’t need to understand....” That stung the first few times I heard it. But.. it’s becoming the posture of my heart, and I hope it’s yours too.
Michelle Haywood Smith is a Jesus follower, image bearer, ezer, worship leader, vocalist, acoustic guitar player, aspiring poet & songwriter, blogger, reader, perpetual learner, chocolate acquisition specialist;)….and also a daughter, sister, wife, mother & friend.